A few weeks ago if given the choice between an extended silence during a therapy session with a client or a full minute of nails scratching on a chalkboard, I would have chosen the latter.
As a relatively new therapist, I was feeling the need to fill every silence with open-ended questions, productive feedback, psychoeducation, and validating statements.
I had to dig deep and explore where this fear of silence was coming from.
I realized that I was interpreting this silence as a failure on my part. I was also assuming that the client was perceiving silence in the same way. I felt that I had some responsibility to them to fill every second of the session in order for it to be deemed productive. Once I realized that this would be completely impossible to keep up and that I was putting way too much pressure on myself, I started to discuss the topic with my supervisor.
He actually shared that he did an entire session once with an adolescent that consisted of only silence!
I could not even fathom how uncomfortable that must have been and tried to visualize myself in that scenario. I simply couldn't without cringing. In discussing the topic further with my supervisor and doing some additional research, I found that silence in therapy actually has many benefits and is an integral component of the therapeutic alliance. Gathering this information has helped me remove my own biases about the discomfort of silence and incorporate it more naturally into therapy sessions.
1. Allowing silence shifts control of the session over to the client.
We need to acknowledge that clients are the experts of their own lives. By allowing room for silence during session, we allow the client to be in charge. We give them the opportunity to decide whether they want to speak or silently reflect, or whether they would like to discuss a certain feeling or situation.
2. Silence can actually cultivate a healthy therapeutic alliance.
We may interpret a client's silence as lack of engagement, however this is not always true. Moments of silence can actually indicate that our unconditional positive regard has created a safe space for our client to feel comfortable in silence. Allowing for these moments of silence is a way of holding space for our clients and building on the therapeutic relationship.
3. Silence can slow down the pace and allow for moments of reflection.
Especially for anxious clients, it is important to slow down the pace of sessions at times. If you notice that a client is anxious or hyperverbal, they may need some silence in order to slow down a bit and reflect. Silence will allow clients to reflect on their thoughts and feelings. We can support the client by saying something like "It's okay to reflect in silence for a moment. Take as long as you need." This will also reinforce the client using silence as a tool outside of therapy.
4. Silence can give the therapist a moment to reflect.
Sometimes we also need time to reflect and that's okay. It is much more effective to take a moment of silence to reflect and formulate a response, rather than blurting something out for the sake of filling space. It's okay to take a moment and say something like "Let me process what you said."
While silence is still uncomfortable at times, knowing that it can actually be beneficial makes it easier to implement and tolerate in session. It also reduces ruminating thoughts about our abilities as clinicians and provides a healthy reframe for thoughts about silence being indicative of failure.
So embrace the silence! Next time there is a moment of silence in session, lean into it and frame it positively. See how it feels.
Your hustler,
Karina G.
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