You know those moments in life, whether it be in therapy, at work, or in conversation with someone you love, where all of a sudden the heavens seem to open up and your brain just makes a connection that results in a huge revelation? A major "AHA" moment.
That happened to me a few months back, courtesy of my wonderful therapist. Yes, I see a therapist regularly and I highly recommend every therapist/social worker/human being do the same. #breakthestigma
So, anyways... I was starting to look for positions as a part time therapist in order to work on my hours for licensure. I had finally received my registered intern license and it was time to take the leap. However, every time I searched on indeed, I found myself allowing my anxiety to limit my options. I was afraid of 90% of the options that were available to me. I was afraid I was inadequate and, at one point, started looking for unpaid options because I didn't think I deserved to get paid (it's ridiculous how hard we can be on ourselves).
I was catastrophizing about not being effective in helping clients, not being confident enough to run group therapy, etc. I was comparing myself to other therapists I know and insisting that I was not as good as them. The shame and self-hate bug bit me hard. As you guys may have read previously, my therapist loves to drop the self-compassion line all the time. You can probably tell from my social media posts that I have digested the message... I'm always posting about it. So she hits me with the self-compassion stuff and then shares this freaking amazing quote that literally shifted my entire outlook in a matter of seconds:
COURAGE COMES BEFORE CONFIDENCE.
She proceeded to explain that these therapists that I compare myself to started in the same place as me. No one started out confident, they just started out with enough courage to propel them forward. They were courageous enough to be uncomfortable. They were courageous enough to be willing to not always know the answer, but try anyways. They were courageous enough to put their best foot forward and allow that to be enough.
Whattttt?! My mind was blown.
I mean seriously, I asked her to repeat it like 3 times, I wrote that thing down, and I have repeated it as an affirmation in my journal multiple times over. Pics or it didn't happen?:
Every time I know I have to do something that makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and my mind starts playing out worst-case scenarios, I use this as an affirmation throughout my day.
After adopting this approach of courage before confidence, I noticed a significant shift in my job search and, in general, in my approach to doing challenging things. Instead of running from them, as I would have in the past, I found myself repeating "courage then confidence" and just doing the damn thing. The awesome thing about courage before confidence is that it forces you to live in the now, and face challenges one step at a time. The first step for me was submitting the application for that scary position. As I submitted, I just told myself "courage then confidence" and assured myself that the fear and discomfort could be dealt with later. And, eventually, overcoming fear and discomfort leads to....
CONFIDENCE!
This new approach has made me a more fearless, effective, and self-forgiving social worker. I'm not sure why this was such a revelation to me, but I guess I always assumed that confident people were just born confident. Their talent was innate, and therefore they had somehow earned more of a right than me to fearlessly pursue their dreams. But my insecure, inexperienced-in-comparison-self was not worthy until I reached that level of confidence. I'm shaking my head as I write this right now, the level of B.S. we feed ourselves is so wild.
The moral of the story is that even those therapists that you admire (the Brene Browns- shoutout to my girl) didn't start out confident. They were all afraid and uneasy at one point. They BUILT confidence. Every difficult therapy session, awkward-a*s group session, disagreement-filled family session.... all of these uncomfortable moments where new therapists weren't sure how to react or what the appropriate next move would be... these are the moments where character and confidence have been built!
So don't strive for confidence right out of the gate, strive for courage.
Get in the trenches and do the uncomfortable work and be kind to yourself on the tough days. See how your courage flourishes into a confident, mini-Brene (or whoever your therapist "idol" is).
P.S. I got the therapist position that I "courageously" applied for just a couple of weeks after this conversation with my therapist. I'm usually timid and terrified when starting new jobs, but that voice reminding me that courage becomes confidence has completely shifted the experience and allowed me to be comfortable with imperfection and welcome it as part of my professional growth.
Stay brave, y'all. You are capable of so much if you just summon a little courage.
Love, your hustler,
Karina G.
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