There is one thing my parents failed to teach me that is Emotion Regulation. They have been exceptional parents overall, yet so caring that they could not bear to see me suffering. They would opt for agreeing with me even when I was not right. They would defend me when they had to confront me. They were eager to hold me in their lap to console me. Though I am grateful for their protection, I wish they would have let me feel and regulate the unpleasant emotions before approaching me with their unconditional love and regard.
As I developed into an individual, I began to encounter situations that required my ability to tolerate emotions independently. With the onset of my menses and its malaise, I started my journey on thwarting emotions. I was certainly not enjoying the physical pain and discomfort, irritability, passive performance, low tolerance, emotional sensitivity, and fatigue. Hence, I learned that hiding in my room and avoiding social interactions simplified things. I also found that sleep and TV shows helped disconnect from physical and emotional distress.
Welcome to my life Miss Avoidance!
Life stressors continued to manifest into my life, including moving to a new country, having no friends, starting college, struggling with acculturation and language barriers, and gaining weight. To compensate for my negative emotions, I acquired various maladaptive coping tools that led me to meet Mr. Perfectionist, Msr. Body Dysmorphia, Miss Party-Time, Mr. Stay-Busy 24/7, and Mrs. Happy-Hyper accompanied by her son Never-Be-Sad.
For 10+ years, I had been giving rise to my internal pressure cooker. It was evident that if I did not have my emotional blockers, I could not function. I was unfamiliar with negative emotions to the point of fear and aversion.
After all, there were two things I knew about myself, I loved me when I was busy, hyper, and in good spirits, and I hated myself when I was the opposite.
This belief led me to often flee from interpersonal difficulties, call out from work on days when my irritability (secondary to menstrual symptoms) was hard to hide, and party/drink to keep myself in a happy mood. For years, I built fun friendships and sustained zero successful intimate relationships. I became so reliant on my "quick fixes" that, ironically, my productivity and sanity were contingent on them. Yet, my physical and mental health was suffering.
My physical symptoms included GI problems (i.e., gas, acid reflux, constipation, inflammation, and piles), recurrent bronchitis, shortness of breath, dehydration, low stamina, restlessness, muscle cramps, weak immune system, unmanageable stress, and poor appetite. Regarding my mental health, I can attest to mood swings, overthinking, emotional outbursts, agitation, verbal aggression, waves of depression, lack of meaning (existential crisis), irritability, and unwillingness to open up emotionally.
After a period of denial, I became aware that these symptoms were the aftermath of abusing my mind and body. It did take a lot of me to accept that I needed to let go of my emotional blockers. I must say, the withdrawal period was abysmal.
Yet, once I conquered that stage, I became ME.
It has been six months since I last used any of my go-to remedies for repressing emotions. To this day, I still find surreal that a year ago, I firmly believed that discontinuing my bad habits was impossible and pointless. I would blame my emotional dilemmas on everything, but my efforts to numb my negative feelings.
It was a fortunate stroke of grace to have found peace when I stopped resisting my emotions.
After years of futilely resisting my emotions, this is what I discovered:
Emotions are short-lived. They come and go in waves. The happy feeling does not last for a lifetime, nor the sad feelings.
They are a combination of our subjective beliefs, physiological responses, and behavioral expressions. If we can adapt our idiosyncratic experience to a more rational view of the situation, we can change our physical response, therefore, our behavior.
Emotions are a source of information about what is happening in your human mind and body. Our emotions shall not override our life plans. Instead, we should use our bodily signals to consider extra precautions to tolerably flow in the present moment.
They are inescapable. Efforts to avoid them will fail as emotions are innate human responses. There are no "magic pills" to eliminate negative emotions. They are meant to exist, period.
Our emotions deserve our attention. When I acknowledge a negative emotion, I am more likely to take proactive measures about the situation. Once I raise understanding about negative feelings in my mind and body, I can make peace with them. Such action empowers me because it reminds me that emotions are visitors; they do not define me.
Emotions are on a spectrum (which includes neutral emotions). We grow up with the misconception that emotions are either good or bad. Fortunately, emotions are not black and white. There are different levels of emotions, including "neutral" emotions. Look back at your life and realize how many times you have underrated days with "neutral" emotions or feelings.
Your Hustler,
Daniela Marin
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